There have been multiple times in my life

where I would much rather die. And this school year, I have been feeling very suicidal, haha! But take it as a joke, dont take me seriously. I will never kill myself. Its the suicidal feeling, that I get. Where I just want to cut, make myself pass out, or do a whole bunch of unnecessary things that will make me feel better. But then that feeling went away, cause for once, I was truly happy again, but now, its coming back. And all because of three people. -_-

I have always loved my parents. But recently , Ive been acting like such a brat. Like, seriously. When ate was like this, I told myself, I will never do that when I get older. And I dont know why, but I just get easily pissed off nowadays. IDK why. But im making that stop NOW. Our lesson in values today taught me a really valueable lesson. I need to learn to love my parents no matter what. And to top it off, Sir Val made us watch this video, it was a letter from parents to their child. And it just made me bawl, cause most of the things they said, I could relate to. Im going to stop acting like a brat. I am going to start treating them with respect. Im not saying it as if I havent respected them before, I mean I will respect them even more now. I will be appreciative and I wont slam doors anymore. I know that everything they do is for my own benefits. Not theirs, not any one elses. It just really made me bawl my eyes out when Sir Val said, You never know, the moment you go home, your parents could be gone. I just couldn't handle the thought of that. And then I thought about it some more. My parents aren't young. They are middle-aged already. Which means, I dont have much time with them. Which is why I must change. Ive been thinking about this for a long time now. I cant keep acting like the way Ive been acting recently. If my daughter treated me this way, I wouldve given her away months ago. But no. My mom has put up with it and she continues to become the strongest woman I know. I love her to death. I love them to death.

&I agree with Sir Val.

If I were to relive my life again, I would still choose my parents over anybody else's.

I dont even know whats going on anymore :( I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I mean, yes. Being single is fun, you can talk to whoever you want. But im the type of girl who needs to be talking to someone :( Cause if I dont, I get vulnerable and I start losing all of my self confidence. I miss "talking" to guys. And as wrong as it sounds, thats just the way it is. I miss having someone to talk to every night. I miss having that someone special. I mean, when I had that someone special, I was more focused on my schoolwork. Now, I just cant seem to focus. Fuck this shit, I shouldnt even be feeling this. Its probably just the jealousy talking. Or maybe the loneliness? I want to get out of here. I want to run away. I want to go back to the bay :(

Someone save me.

Someone grab me, slap me, and tell me everythings going to be alright.

Im starting to fall for you, again

but I cant! I just cant. Cause it will cause a lot of problems :(

I dont know what to do anymore :(( I really dont want to lose you , but the way you act just makes me go crazy, to the point where I just want to break down and cry.

some things i just got to get off my chest

• I hate it when people tell me to do something, a certain way. Cause then it makes me mad, then lazy. So instead of originally planning to do it, I end up ignoring the person, and not caring about the work that needs to be done.
  
• I do my best to do something that'll make you guys proud of me. So if I can't do it at home, I try to make you proud of me academically. Do you know how happy I was when I found out I was top 3? Then you hella just shut me down like that, I mean I'm not gonna let it bother me, just take my feelings into consideration.
• Dont think that just because I said that means I want something to happen between us. I love you, but not in that way. I dont want to have you as a boyfriend, but I can't live with the thought of ever losing you as someone special.
  
• Everytime I notice you online on AIM, I just have to i/m you. I dont know why, but I have never stopped liking you. From the moment we watched Shutter together, haha! (That gave it away, lol) Urgh. I just wish, that we could have had more time to spend together :)
  
• &Last but not the least : I dont blame you for anything thats happening right now. I just wish you had the courtesy to tell me what is going on. Its been 3 days since we last talked. Youre always telling me to tell you the truth so that it wont be awkward between us, but wth do you think youre doing? I hope that you wake up from this fantasy that you're having and realize whats really going on......
  

change my mind, doing the 365 project in'a seperate tumblr :)

365daysofchelly.tumblr.com/

1/365

January 1, 2010 (around 12)

We watched fireworks and lit fireworks. Took lots of pictures and whatnot. Mostly playing with fireworks , haha. Ate lots of food, but I didn't eat much. Does that even make sense? Haha! Anywhoo, this is the start of my 365 project ! ^_^

January 1, 2010

Mom&Dad's friends are at the house for New Year's, which leaves us kids, with nada to do! Waah, grrrrrrrr. Hmph. Anyways, we have school in 2 days. Hmph!

*I might not post the pictures everyday, but I will take a picture everyday. Haha, get it? Or no? xP

Resolutions

• Lose weight, and im serious about it this time :)
  
• Workout/Exercise every night
  
• Become a better person. To myself & to others
• No drama bullshit. Hah!
  
• Clean my room & make sure it stays clean
  
• Stop bein' such a bitch to other people
  
• Get good grades :)
  
• DO THE 365 PROJECT :) Which I will be posting on here ^_^
  

In 2009 , Michelle learned ...

• No guy is ever worth it. In 2008 , she never let a guy hurt her like that. She was the one making the decisions and she was the one doing whatever the fuck she wanted to do. She was Ms. Independent. Every girl wanted to be like her, and every guy wanted to have her. I'm not talking about me. Im talking about the Ms. Independent in all of us girls out there. We shouldn't let one guy ruin us. We shouldn't let one guy get the best of us. They don't deserve our lovinn. Mwahaha >:) We're too good for them playa playas anyways :))
  
• You can do whatever you set your mind to. I told myself that I could do better in my schoolwork, and what the hell, I did do better :) I didn't lose focus and I didn't get distracted, well... Not as much that is :) Haha. I told myself that I can get over him, and even though my mind didn't believe it, my heart told me that I could move on and that he's just one of the many boys I'll encounter in my life ^_^
  
• Blood really is thicker than water. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for my family. They are my backbone. They are my everything. Despite the fact that they annoy the hell out of me most of the time, I still love em to death ;) No matter how far we may drifft, something will always bring us back together. That's the beauty of having a family like mines tho :) Bittersweet. When its bitter, oh boy, is it bitter. Haha. But when it's sweet, you can't get enough of it =)
  
• Some relationships do last. Take mines & Jah's for example. Its been what? 2 years and ... 2 months? Mwahaha. See? We do love each other long long time ;) Haha! &look at mine's and Ferdie's, haha! After a whole year of not talking, he still remembers his bestfriend :) Lol. We freal need to kickit one time. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we haven't even seen each other, not even once. Booshiz. Look at mine's &Mela's, I mean we may not be as close as we were before, but something will always keep us together. &that is the promise of being best friends forever, corny as it sounds :D Haha! &Most of all, my relationship with my father dearest Marco. Even if we don't talk for a whole month, or two whole months, or three whole months, he will always be one of the number one guys in my life =)
  
• People change, wether we like it or not. I had to learn that the hard way. But it's a lesson learned :)
  
• 
  God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. He will give us many challenges and obstacles in life , but he will not give us anything we can't handle. He just wants to test us, he doesn't want us to suffer. So no matter what we do, we shouldn't over-react and whatnot.
• how to use facebook. Mwahaha. Yes, I barely started using this year, but hey. Whatever stfu. Haha! It looked interesting, and myspace was really getting boring
  
• Tumblr isn't as interesting as before. I made my first tumblr in '08. And people posted really interesting stuff. Like, real blogs. About their thoughts, insights in life and whatnot. Now, tumblr is starting to become the new myspace. And who the fuck really cares about your tumblarity bitches? Haha! Get over it. People who post a whole bunch of stupid shit start to cover up those who post real shit. Which is why, once a month, I unfollow a lot of people, haha :))
• Photography is more than just taking pictures. Its about capturing the emotion you felt at that exact moment. Capturing your surroundings. So that when you look at these pictures in the future , you can still relate to it &be like "Oh yeah! That was the time when ... blah blah blah". Haha!
  
• Enjoy the little things. I mean yeah, I would rather be in Cali with my best friends, but then again, that shouldn't stop me from having fun with my friends here & my family here. I have fun here too so when people ask me where I would rather be, I usually don't know what the eff to say.
  
• Sometimes, always&forever, doesnt always mean always&forever. "I love you forever, forever is over".